Comments on: A friend is asking for help…should I?

By: Ted

Ted — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 03:20:14 +0000

Matt, I like the idea of doing what you can by continuing moral support via mail and letting him know you are still a friend. If you stay in contact for a while it may become clearer what he needs the money for and you might be able to make a more informed decision down the road. Yes, you may feel that you have your bases covered and that you can afford $22 bucks a month, but you have worked hard creating your own path to this point in your life and you should not have to compromise what you have done for yourself and your bride-to-be. You have a lot more “making $22/month happen” moments coming in your life so if you can solve some of them in other ways you will stay ahead of the game. Give it time and it will become clearer.

By: Matt Bernier

Matt Bernier — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:52:36 +0000

Thanks Deb. I appreciate your comments and I believe that this is the route I am going to take. I really don’t want to send money, and my impression was similar to what you said

And while the stuff in prison isn’t the greatest, they’re required to provide at least nominal hygiene and toiletry items

I will write to him, and send him things like stamps, envelopes etc.

By: Deb Kolaras

Deb Kolaras — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:40:42 +0000

Hey Matt, this puts you in a tough spot. I’ve had at least 3 friends in very similar situations in the past. Showing love to someone doesn’t necessarily mean giving them what they ask for. Likely, he will use that money for stuff he doesn’t need or even for bargaining, etc. I think in doing so, you give him permission to continue making bad decisions. In this situation, I would do what I do with homeless people I encounter (many of which we know have substance abuse issues). I give them a gift card for some fast food joint and I give them food. In this case, your friend should get from you what will help nourish him – contact, stamps to write with, stationery maybe, journal, ways to contact others, and contact with himself – motivational books, etc. It’s time he started acting like a man, and that means becoming one with knowledge; knowledge gives people poise, power and choices.

Do I sound mean? No, I’m just a person who’s tried the other way, only to fuel someone’s continued death spiral and as long as that safety net remains, people some how continue to make the poor choices (often the easier ones), than the good ones (a tougher, longer road.) Empower him and maybe he’ll begin to empower himself. And while the stuff in prison isn’t the greatest, they’re required to provide at least nominal hygiene and toiletry items. God love him, but no one needs $22 a month worth of toiletries in that place

By: Slava Kaushan

Slava Kaushan — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 05:10:18 +0000

you can try to get more information but you can’t perceive that info the same way/form anyway – you are not in his shoes (and I wish you will never be in that shoes;)

even with full information you can’t be sure that you are making “right” thing.

I’m sure you understand that if you even don’t send money to him you can help him much more then sending that money.

You know there are tons thing to give and not give that money and each way is right in the long run anyway

So don’t worry and do what you want to do (or ask you girlfriend do decide – my wife helps me a lot in such situation:)

By: Matt Bernier

Matt Bernier — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 04:43:53 +0000

He needs the money because he doesn’t have any toiletries and he says he “smells like shit”. I don’t understand how the penal system works, that he would not be given soap and deoderant to solve this issue. It seems like it would be a health hazard.

I think I am going to try to get more information from him before I consider sending actual money.

By: Chris

Chris — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 04:31:30 +0000

Matt – I’m confused – what does he need the money for? Does the money a) save his life or b) directly help his much-needed rehabilitation? If the answer is yes to either/both of those, then I would consider it a charitable donation, and cough up the $22/month or whatever. If it doesn’t, then I’d consider proposing some *other* way to help him, that would facilitate a or b above. Otherwise it’s like giving a wino some change (sorry, no offense please, but you catch my meaning?).

I think you’ve successfully established that you’d never turn your back on a friend. I think it’s just a matter of what particular form of help you’ll be offering, big or small. The sheet of stamps is a great idea, and you may simply want to keep writing back and forth for a while. That should provide some more insight into his situation, and perhaps at that point, a solution will become clear.

Good luck!

By: Matt Bernier

Matt Bernier — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 03:57:52 +0000

I do have a wedding to pay for, but we have been saving and budgeting around that since January so we have managed to put away almost exactly what we need!
It’s not really about coughing up the dough, I could make $22 a month happen.

By: Jaimie Bakas

Jaimie Bakas — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 03:53:09 +0000

Matt,
I think your reply above answers your dilemma, you want tho show him love and can still do that by offering him your support and friendship. Just be honest and explain exactly how you feel, most people who are rationale (and who are also true friends) will respect your opinion. I sounds like it’s not so much about coughing up the dough and more of a moral issue, but you can still be a good friend AND keep your hard earned money in your pocket (don’t you have a wedding to pay for?!?)

Let us all know how it goes……

By: Matt Bernier

Matt Bernier — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 03:09:52 +0000

I am tempted to help, but I am not sure. It is a tough thing. He has an opportunity to make a decision to turn himself around. He will always have the pock mark of prison on his record, but I believe he can make it despite that.

I wonder if there is anything else I can do besides give him money that will help him out?

By: Matt Bernier

Matt Bernier — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 03:07:58 +0000

Thanks Mark, I appreciate it. It is a moral dilemma, because he is a good friend just with a bad direction. I want to show him love, but I also want him to suffer a little so he will realize that his actions will put him in his own personal hell. It is tough love, but I am not sure much else will get through to him.